A Crown for the Princess

My baby had to get a cranial remolding helmet.  She has a flat spot on the back of her head, on the right side.  I bottle fed her, and shamefully, I only fed her in my left arm, with my right hand.  So, naturally, she turned her head into my breast on that side.  It affected her torsion and when she slept, she also turned her head in that direction.  Because babies have such soft skulls, and we primarily sleep our babies on their backs, it's common for this to happen, and for flat spots to develop.  Matthew had one too, but as he learned to sit, it naturally took care of itself.  Clara's did not.  I wish I had taken her in a couple months ago, but we are where we are.  The guilt runs deep, and I know it's not rational, but I still wish I had done things differently.

Other than Jack's broken arm at birth, this is the hardest thing I've had to do as a parent.  Oh, sure it could be worse.  It could be a life-threatening injury or illness.  But it's still really hard to look at my baby in her little helmet and not see her eyes easily.  It's hard to lay her on her back and hear her whimper.  It's hard to hold her on my lap and not be able to snuggle the top of her soft head.  Yesterday, I took it off after two hours and her head was soaking wet and I just started crying.  She seems happy enough when she's sitting up, but tomorrow we start sleeping her in it.  In a few days' time, she'll be wearing it for 22 hours a day for four or five months.  Sad.  She's such a good sleeper!  Right now she sleeps for 12 - 14 hours a night and I just don't want to disrupt that.  Can you imagine sleeping in this thing?!

I know we'll get through it.  I even know I'll get used to it.  I know she'll get used to it.  And the time will pass and we'll be on to bigger and better things and I will be happy for her nice round head.  And I will be grateful for modern medicine that we can correct this problem while she's young and doesn't know better.

I'll take my moment to be sad, and then I'll press on.  My family has been ridiculously supportive.  Thankful for my mom who has given me license to feel sad.  A couple days ago, she sent me this text:  "It's hard, honey.  My heart hurts twice.  Once for you, and once for Clara."  And from my younger brother who said, "Whew.  I was worried she wasn't going to be a hockey player.  She's awesome."  And for her dad and her brothers who continue to shower her with love and attention.  I am so lucky to have the love and support of all of you on this journey.  Particularly now, but always.  Every day.

Daughter Mine

Clara is only just a smidge over five months, but she's already expressing herself as her own person.  She's starting to show her personality and I am in awe of her. 

I thought my boys were so loud.  They'd bang on things, and throw their toys around, even from a very young age. Guess what?  SO DOES SHE.  This one, she loves loud noises.  She bangs her rattles around in pleasure.  And I just stare at her, because I was sure she would be my peaceful, calm little girl.  Jack walks in and shriek in a high voice and she loses it in a fit of giggles.  So, he does it again.  And again, and again, until she too, follows his lead in shrieks.  Lord, help me.

One way she's very different from the boys is she is very shy.  She won't stay for a sitter, and even gets nervous around family.  Not us, of course.  She's enamored with her papa, and her brothers (thank GOD), but now I know the reason we didn't commit to a couples vacation just yet.  I can't bear it when she cries when I leave her.  So, I'll stay.  Except sometimes I have to go to the store alone.  A momma needs a break, Clara.  Geez.

I am thankful for my sister-in-law, her Godmother, who keeps trying.  And for her grandparents, who adore her anyway.  And I'm thankful that today, she seemed to do better with them.  Because I want her to share her smiles and her giggles with everyone because it's the most endearing thing.

The past week or so she's taken to whimpering when I leave the room.  So we're in that stage, just like that.  Funny how each developmental milestone just creeps up on you.  And it's amazing how she's learning and progressing and even though we've been through it before, it isn't less facinating to watch. 

There are so many things I love about parenting this baby.

I love watching her grow.  I love watching reach for her toes, and get excited when I hand her a spatula while I'm cooking.  I love how her little legs tense up and then start kicking when she sees her papa or her brothers, home from school. 

I love when the teenager says, "Hi, Clara!" and picks her up and throws her in the air.  And when I have to run to the store and he's playing video games, and I plunk her on his lap, and he just lets her play with him.  I truly love watching all of the relationships here develop, but that one?  That one is so special. 

We love her, that little one.  So we'll put up with the shrieking and the banging, and keep the coloring books and teddy bears right nearby, so when she decides she's ready to settle down and be my timid little girl, I'm good and ready. 

She loves them...

...and they love her.

Before I had Clara, I knew it was going to be great for the boys to have a sister.  But I could not have guessed how it was going fill my heart to bursting.  How gloriously joyous I would feel watching them with her. 

Every day when Matthew gets home from school, he asks me what Clara and I did that day so he can talk to her about it.  "Oh!  You went to Target, baby?!  Was that fun?"  And when Jack is here with her in the afternoons, I put her in her Bumbo on the table, where he sits and colors or does crafts.  And he talks to her the whole time. "Do you like this color, Clay-a?" and he'll sing to her and talk to her and hold his art projects up for her approval.  And she just sits and watches, content.  I've come to refer to them as "your Matthew" and "your Jack." 

And she never lets them out of her sight.  If they're in the room, she's checking them out.  Sometimes I have to stop Jack and say, "Clara is looking at you; say hi to her."  She looks at them with such adoration, I almost can't take the fullness in my heart.

And her papa.  Good grief, she loves that guy.  Same thing. She adores him.  And he adores her.  Sometimes I will go on search for them, and find them laying on the bed in our room, talking.  Or I'll find her on his lap when he's watching TV or playing video games. 

How lucky is my little girl?  How lucky am I?

When I think back to all the apprehension I felt a year ago when I was first expecting her, I am sorry I wasted a minute worrying.  It reminds me to be patient, and to trust.  Because everything happens for a reason, at exactly the right time.  The love for this baby is absolute proof.  My cup runneth over. 

 

The other night, I laid my head on my pillow with my gorgeous and loving husband next to me.  I thought of my teenager sleeping downstairs, rapidly outgrowing the twin bed he's always slept on.  I imagined my two rugrats sounds asleep on their bunks.  And my sweet baby girl, across the hall, taking sweet little baby breaths all swaddled up and warm.  And I thought that if I had no other possessions in all my world, but these -- this roof over our heads, and this safe place to be together, it would be enough.  Lord, let me always determine my value by these gifts alone.

Thank you, Jesus.

Clara

She'll be two months tomorrow, the little-girl-I-always-wanted.  Be still, my heart.

What Matters Most

I used to be single.  I used to be bored, and wonder if I was going to have a family of my own.  And then, suddenly, I woke up and I have all these crazy little loves in my life.  And luck and good fortune and blessings hardly begin to describe it.

Clara Beff

Upon meeting her for the first time, I said, "Jack, say "hi" to Clara!" 

Jack:  I'm not going to call her that.

Me:  No?  What are you going to call her?
Jack:  Clara Beff.

Well, of course he is.  His brother is "Maffew" after all.

Love.

Clara

Our babygirl is safely here.  We are smitten.  We're just home today and there will be much to share in the coming days, but in the interest in keeping a timely announcement in this place, I wanted to post at least a couple photos.

Clara Beth

9 lb 13 oz

21 perfect inches long

(she feels tiny, by the way. don't let her birth size fool you.)

We have much to learn about her, but so far I can tell you that she's sweet and snuggly and spirited.  Thankfully, she is very easy to calm because she will not hesitate to tell you how she's feeling.  I feel calm and prepared and am insanely thankful to God above who gave her to us.  We're happy to be home and starting the rest of our lives with Clara.

 

 

 

Babygirl: Pre-Delivery

I am now two days away from delivering my baby girl into this world.  It's a crazy, emotional place to be after a crazy and emotional process.  I was telling Cory last night that as real as she is to me -- I can feel her limbs! -- its still all surreal somehow. 

Her life hasn't begun.  She hasn't seen me; and I haven't seen her, as well as we know each other.  She hasn't taken a single breath of air, even though she's practicing like crazy in utero.  She's squirmy and squished, but doesn't know happiness or otherwise.  But in that moment, when they hand her to us, when she breathes, or cries, or wails...that's the moment I most look forward to.  In that second, it's all worth it.  The angels hand her over with their best wishes for a lifetime of love and family.  It's all pretty spectacular.

I won't miss these numb hands.  I won't miss my swollen feet.  I won't miss the heartburn, and the fatigue, and the lack of patience.  I will love to have my body back to myself, sleep on my stomach and walk without waddling. 

I am thankful for my friend Jill, who has lovingly supplied me with this product.  I have taken almost daily baths in these soaking salts the entire pregnancy. 

I am thankful for the captain, who has lovingly massaged my tired legs and my low back.  Who is an amazing father, and an even better husband.  For all the times he cleaned up so I didn't have to and took care of the rugrats and gave me a break.  Nothing would be as good without him...how wonderfully (and undeservedly) blessed I've been.

So now, 48 hours before her birth, I count my blessings.  And ask for your love and prayers as I take a step into the next chapter of my life's journey. 



Babygirl

When the captain and I were on our second date, we were talking about things we want for our future.  He said, "I'd like more children one day."  I responded, "Me too.  I'd like six."  He gave me a surprised, "Six?" but he proposed anyway.  Ha.  Sucker.  I'm happy to say that we're well on our way, expecting our fourth in August.  And after three boys, we were really pleased to find out that this one is a girl.  Pleased?  Shocked.  Amazed.  It seems that I am the only one among my friends and family who was surprised, though.  They claim premonition, I claim they just wanted this for me as much as I did.  All of my feelings about having a daughter seem inadequate in words.  The feelings are much different than I can express, I'm sure, but I'll try.  I'm going to start at the beginning.

Pregnant Belly.  21 weeks.

Last December, when I took that pregnancy test, I started crying.  And if I'm being honest, they weren't exactly happy tears.  But they weren't sad tears either.  I think I was mostly scared.  Scared of the first trimester.  Scared of delivery.  Scared of starting over (Jack will be a kindergartener in the fall!).  And some of it was valid.  I spent six weeks in bed from the sixth week on.  It was pretty gross, as I knew it would be.  But I got through it. 

Once I was through that trimester, I could not wait to find out the gender of this baby.  The minute I told them I was expecting, my boys (all three of them) all said, "Oh!  I hope it's a sister!"  Whoa.  That's some pressure.  I assured them that is was the perfect baby for our family, and that God already chose if it was a boy or a girl.  Still, they pestered me daily with their hopes for a girl baby.  It got to the point where Jack would say, "I hope it's a girl, Mom.  I know, I know.  God already chose!" 

I was sure it was a boy.  I don't know if it was partly self-preservation or if I thought the captain could only make boys or if it was my limited knowledge of the shettles method, or a combination of the three, but I told everyone I was sure it was a boy.  I fell in love with a boy name.  I went through periods of panic about my reaction to the gender news.  And then I found peace. 

So last week when we went to the ultrasound, I was pretty prepared emotionally.  It took the sonographer about 20 minutes to confirm girl parts.  I broke into tears.  She said, "Use your towel, honey!"  To which I responded, "Oh, no, it's okay.  My husband brought Kleenex!"  And he did. And I used them. 

Can you imagine my joy?  I'm 35 years old and realizing a dream coming true that I never really believed would.  The captain is going to be the father to a daughter.  And to be honest, I'm thrilled for me.  But at least as thrilled for him.  And for my boys.  And for her.  How loved will this little girl be?  You're going to find out...stick around a few months!

When Matthew was a baby, he couldn't say his "d" sounds.  So we started calling the captain "Papa."  And it stuck.  And it's adorable.  They love their papa with all their hearts, my boys.  And so shall she.  And so do I.  Even though he thinks four is as good a number as six.