Crying a River

Earlier today, when I was watching the coverage on the manhunt for the Boston Marathon bombers, I was struck by how young Dzhokar Tsarnaev is.  He's a kid.  You know mine is almost 16, and that's hardly younger than this guy was.  The news stories are probably unreliable at this point, but it appears he was in the United States with his older brother, and his parents haven't lived here (but in Russia) for at least five years.  So he was without a parent from ages 14 - 19. Yikes.  You don't have to know a lot about teenagers to know that they need parents at that age.  Desperately.  And of course all I can do is speculate how he got from there to the terrible events of last Monday, but whatever happened in his life that charted this course breaks my heart.  He's someone's son, and someone's brother, and someone's friend.  From all accounts, he appeared to be a really nice kid, by those who knew him, and many were shocked that he was capable of such atrocity.

Dzhokar and his brother hurt a lot of people, and I have faith in the justice system that he will pay for his crimes.  He may feel remorse, or he may not.  Whatever poison he feeds on may have already destroyed his conscience.  I most likely will never know.  Doesn't mean I can't pray for him.

I grieve for those who are injured and have lost their lives.  I laud the first responders who worked tirelessly to keep their city safe.  Their systems appear to be absolutely flawless; they executed this beautifully.  They turned around the situation inside of four days.  That's incredible and I am in awe, and appreciation, as is the rest of the country.

I feel pretty comfortable with all the thoughts I just shared with you.  I have learned that my heart is divided into emotional chambers.  There is room for kindness, and appreciation, and compassion.  But for some reason, there is very little room for anger, and almost none for vengeance.  I don't feel those easily and they are often shoved out by sadness. And because they have such a small chamber, I feel it quickly and express it and move on.

I am not telling you this because I'm looking for affirmation.  I'm not telling you this because I need to be reassured.  I don't want you to tell me that I'm anything special.  I am simply who God made me to be.  And I live my convictions pretty loudly for one reason:  Jesus loved everyone and He told me to as well.

I tell you all this because all of that empathy gets me into a lot of trouble.  Man.  Some people do not like the construction of my heart.  And maybe because I don't get angry, they assume that I don't get hurt.  They would be very, very wrong.

I just spent 15 minutes sobbing in the captain's arms after I received a hate-filled message from a facebook friend, in which he swore at me and told me, among other things, that I'm what's wrong with America.  I've been called many names in my life, and I know I'm a liberal progressive.  I know sometimes people mean that as an insult, and I've taken it that way when expressed as such.  But I sort of love being that, you know.

I love politics.  I think that civil discourse actually leads to resolution.  Not always, but often enough that the conversations are worth having.  I realize that I put myself out there.  It's worth it.  So many people have taught me so many things.  Knowing a lot of different kinds of people has forced me to be more tolerant.  I plan to continue having those conversations in the future, so here's what I want you to know:  You are free to leave.  No one is obligated to be my friend, either in real life or virtually.  If I am a negative influence in your life, please, please walk away before you hurt me.  I'm not saying this because I am being a baby.  I felt critically attacked several times this week, and I really don't want to do it again.  I will miss you, but I respect your decision.  If you don't believe me, ask the number of people who have previously taken advantage of this invitation.  No hard feelings, baby.  No regrets.  (Wait.  Never mind.  You get my point.)

Seriously, no apologies.  I hope I don't make things worse.  I sure like you people and my life would be so much different, and so much more boring without you.  Please keep sharing your thoughts and challenging me.  You make me better.  Thank you from the bottom of my emotional heart.

The Sixter

Six years ago, we had a winter like this one.  We had two weeks of below-zero temps in March and on April 12, there was fresh snow on the ground.  I know because it was the end of a very long pregnancy.  I have told that story before but I wanted to take a minute on the eve of his sixth birthday to tell you a little about my very special Jack.

He is so studious, this one.  He follows the rules and takes great care with his schoolwork.  He's been known to wake me in the morning, urgently reminding me that there's something very important in his backpack that has to go back today.  Frequently, it's due in a week.  But God bless him for being the only child in this whole house who can keep track of his responsibilities.

He's kind of an anxious kid.  He is pretty sure he won't be able to go to first grade because he doesn't know how to read.  1) He reads above grade level and 2) they will teach him.  Usually he is still consoled by my reassurance, but sometimes he just gets nervous.  A couple years ago he was watching a movie about a magic gourd.  At its finish, he came in to tell me about it.  As he was telling me, he started sobbing.  Yeah.  This one's mine.

He's also sweet, and protective, and kind.  He donated his dollar from the tooth fairy to the hunger drive at church.  He chose walking tacos for his birthday dinner instead of rice because Matthew likes it better.  He adores his baby sister and will do anything for her.  One day she got a hold of a juice box, which she clearly cannot have.  But when she cried when he took it, he not only gave it back to her, he put the straw in her mouth so she could drink it.  Uh...it's okay if she cries, Jack.  He's very sensitive and I feel lucky to have his little soul in my daily life.

I just realized that he can build a lego set (Matthew has neither the organization nor the attention), and that might turn out to be a really great hobby for him.  He wears this vest all. the. time.  In this photo, he had put it on after a bath, which is standard operating procedure.  He's smart and funny and is a light in this family.

Before bed, I told him to "say good-bye to five!"  And he did.  Tomorrow, in the middle of a snowstorm, my boy will turn six.

Goodreads

If you're a reader and aren't on Goodreads, you're missing out.  I know because I just finally joined it this week.  Heh.  But still.  What fun!  What good fun!  I was able to rate the books I've read and meet up with a bunch of friends so I can see the books they have rated highly.  What fun!  (I don't know if my auntie Anne reads my blog, but if someone who knows her does, tell her to find me.  I know she loves to read and I'd love more of her recommendations.  Also, Elizabeth!  Are you on there?)

Anyway.  In the process, I realized a few books I recommend that I may not have previously:

Snow Flower and Secret Fan by Lisa See
Kite Runner and Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
Moloka'i by Alan Brennert
Angels & Demons and Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown

These are some wonderful reads.  I wish I could pick them up and read them again for the first time.  Except Snow Flower. That book is kind of sad.

Man, I love to read.  Find me on Goodreads!

Remembered one!

Two Kisses for Maddy by Matt Logelin.  Grab this book and a box of Kleenex.  It's a heartbreaker of a memoir, but its an inspirational love story.  Worth the day it'll take you to read it.

(Long Overdue) Reading Update

It's been 18 months since I updated.  I will never remember everything I've read since the last one, but I'll try.  And I'll update when I think of more.

Fearless by Eric Blehm.  My friend Chuck made me read this book (Hi, Chuck!), and I'm glad he did.  It's a weighty one, yo.  It's about a fallen Navy SEAL who was so far above extraordinary, there almost aren't words for it.  And his journey is pretty incredible.  I basically cried my way through it...I am in awe of other peoples' journeys.  And it personalized servicepeople a little, which is never a waste.

Seriously, I'm Kidding by Ellen Degeneres.  Just read it.  You will thank me.  I read it on the plane to LA and my seatmates thought I was crazy.

Bossypants by Tina Fey.  If you love Tina, read it.  I loved it.

Stories I Only Tell my Friends by Rob Lowe.  If you love Rob Lowe, read it.  I thought his was a great read!

Divergent by Veronica Roth.  Young Adult.  It was a book I was excited to get to each night.  But nowhere near as good as The Hunger Games.

The Last Word:  A Spellman Novel by Lisa Lutz.  The latest in one of my favorite series; the Spellman books.

Game of Thrones series by George RR Martin.  Not something I'd typically choose, but I had heard such great things about it.  I read the first two books in the series and loved it.  Then it got kind of heavy, so I'm taking a break.  May resume the series one day.

The Century Trilogy (Fall of Giants and Winter of the World) by Ken Follett.  I'm just starting the second book (the third is not yet released).  I enjoy this series, but they're no Pillars of the Earth or World Without End.

Sharing the Love: Pizza Bread

I got this recipe from my friend Jill years ago.  It's so easy!

Frozen bread dough
Mozzarella cheese
Pizza toppings

Thaw and let the bread rise per the instructions on the package.  When it's risen, spread it on a floured surface and roll it into an oval.  Top with cheese and whatever fillings you like (I'm partial to pepperoni, green pepper, mushrooms, and tons of cheese).  Roll from the bottom to the top so it ends looking like a log.  Pinch the seam shut.  Place seam-side down on a greased baking sheet (you might need to curve it to make it fit).  Bake for 350 for 20 - 25 minutes or until golden brown.

Slice and serve with pizza sauce for dipping!

*Use your imagination for other variations.  Jill used to make a ham and cheese one where she's smear some Dijon mustard on the bottom, and then layer ham and cheese, and roll up.  Yum.  I need to make that one again soon.

**The Sandwich King has a variation that he calls Sausage Bread.  I made it, and I used the leftovers for the brunch dish with asparagus and egg.  That recipe here.

Enjoy!

Getting it Done

It's not that having four kids is super special or that's it's a ridiculous number of children.  My mom raised eleven for crying out loud.  But here's the thing.  I have a teenager, two school-aged children, and a baby.  Three very types of parenting up in here, and it makes my head spin some days.

The teenager is a breeze logistically.  If I never made him another meal he wouldn't starve to death.  If I didn't do his laundry, he'd find clean clothes to wear.  He could virtually survive on his own if he had to.  But here's the thing:  I'm not done teaching him.  It would be really easy to give him the least amount of attention because of said independence.  But there is a lot of stuff to pay attention to now:  girls.  schoolwork.  college options.  girls.  getting to know his friends.  teaching him lifeskills.  re-teaching him lifeskills.  girls.  I mean, a lot of stuff.  And I cannot tune out right now.  I never want to look back and wish I had said more, wish I had been more involved.  I feel like I have about an arms-reach of talking left to do and he has about a finger-pinch of listening left.  Gonna try to squeeze it in.

Look.  One has his arm around her. The other is holding her hand. Smitten.

Then I have those two adorable school-aged rugrats.  They're easy, man.  I can still put them on my lap and fix most of their problems.  I can reassure them, and they trust me.  They still think I'm right about pretty much everything.  They love to snuggle with me and watch a movie or read books.  I monitor their homework, and make sure they're learning and volunteer at the school when I can.  We go to the library and the pool and they're pretty stinking happy and secure.

And then I have a baby.  And GOOD LORD.  I am thankful for that baby.  She brings more joy here than anything in a long time.  But, if I'm being honest, she's a lot of work.  She's at that stage where she's not mobile but she needs a lot of stimulation, so I'm kind of moving her around all day.  Jumperoo, sit and play, Bumbo, tummy time, feedings, nap, feedings, Jumperoo.  You get the picture.  And she's a super awesome nighttime sleeper (12 - 14 hours most nights) but she's not a great napper -- probably two - three hours a day, so there's not a ton of downtime.

Add in working, managing the household, and all that entails, and trying to find a quiet moment for myself once in awhile...yeah.  That plate is full, dude.  Full of really really great stuff, but full nonetheless.

I'm no supermom.  I'm no different than millions of other moms the world over.  And I have the support of the kindest, most loving man on earth who is the best papa to his kids.  And somehow, it all gets done.  Every night I have this moment where I think, "Huh.  I got it done today."  And I will tomorrow, too.