My Crush(ed Heart)

Don't be creeped out, but I have a crush on teenage boys.  Ever since I wasn't a teenager myself, I have been enamored by kids that age.  They're silly, and they love to have fun and to laugh.  They're smart and are sure they know everything.  They're awkward, yet coming into themselves. 

So when my teenager hit this age, it was no surprise that I fell in love with him all over again.  He is all of those things, as I previously shared. 

He's been bringing his friends home for the first time ever.  I love it.  He has a couple really great friends, and I love having them here.  I told my mom that today and she said, "Did you feed them, right away?"  And I got the giggles, because that's the first thing I wanted to do. 

And then, overwhelmingly, I got sad.  Because for the next four years, he'll be with his mom, an hour away.  And for the first time in eight years, he won't be coming home to me after school.  I won't be his constant.  I don't even know if he'll think of me, or miss coming here, or me.  But I sure as hell know I'm going to miss him.  I don't see him most mornings, but I love when he walks in off the bus in the afternoons.  He usually lingers for five or ten minutes while we talk about his day and go over homework.  His mom and dad have always worked full time, so I have spent so much time with him over these years.  My heart breaks when I think of next school year, when he's not here at all.  Not getting off the bus.  Not walking in the door.

I know he'll do well.  He'll make friends in his new town, and he'll continue to be a smart kid.  He'll do what he loves to do and he'll probably make girls crazy, with his good looks and warped sense of humor.  Hopefully he'll play football like he wants to do, and we'll drive up to his new hometown on Friday nights for games.  And I'll spend some time feeling cheated out of the high school years, but more time feeling proud.  That I laid some of the groundwork for this kid.  That he knows, without question, that I love him, and that he's mine, as much as he belongs to his mother and his father.

I feel like we're losing custody, after eight years.  I'm not mad at his mom.  I know she did what she did with good intentions for her own family.  But I still feel gypped.  For today, I feel sad.  I know avoiding the fact that this was coming isn't healthy.  So I'll share it here, with you, so that I can start to work through the pain of losing him. 

And so that someday, when he's older, he can know how I felt about him moving away from us.  And how important he always has been to this family.  Blended families are hard, folks.  These are the consequences.  Thank you for supporting me and allowing me to share this part of my life with you.  I feel inspired by your support and kindness, as always.