Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My Crush(ed Heart)

Don't be creeped out, but I have a crush on teenage boys.  Ever since I wasn't a teenager myself, I have been enamored by kids that age.  They're silly, and they love to have fun and to laugh.  They're smart and are sure they know everything.  They're awkward, yet coming into themselves. 

So when my teenager hit this age, it was no surprise that I fell in love with him all over again.  He is all of those things, as I previously shared

He's been bringing his friends home for the first time ever.  I love it.  He has a couple really great friends, and I love having them here.  I told my mom that today and she said, "Did you feed them, right away?"  And I got the giggles, because that's the first thing I wanted to do. 

And then, overwhelmingly, I got sad.  Because for the next four years, he'll be with his mom, an hour away.  And for the first time in eight years, he won't be coming home to me after school.  I won't be his constant.  I don't even know if he'll think of me, or miss coming here, or me.  But I sure as hell know I'm going to miss him.  I don't see him most mornings, but I love when he walks in off the bus in the afternoons.  He usually lingers for five or ten minutes while we talk about his day and go over homework.  His mom and dad have always worked full time, so I have spent so much time with him over these years.  My heart breaks when I think of next school year, when he's not here at all.  Not getting off the bus.  Not walking in the door.

I know he'll do well.  He'll make friends in his new town, and he'll continue to be a smart kid.  He'll do what he loves to do and he'll probably make girls crazy, with his good looks and warped sense of humor.  Hopefully he'll play football like he wants to do, and we'll drive up to his new hometown on Friday nights for games.  And I'll spend some time feeling cheated out of the high school years, but more time feeling proud.  That I laid some of the groundwork for this kid.  That he knows, without question, that I love him, and that he's mine, as much as he belongs to his mother and his father.

I feel like we're losing custody, after eight years.  I'm not mad at his mom.  I know she did what she did with good intentions for her own family.  But I still feel gypped.  For today, I feel sad.  I know avoiding the fact that this was coming isn't healthy.  So I'll share it here, with you, so that I can start to work through the pain of losing him. 

And so that someday, when he's older, he can know how I felt about him moving away from us.  And how important he always has been to this family.  Blended families are hard, folks.  These are the consequences.  Thank you for supporting me and allowing me to share this part of my life with you.  I feel inspired by your support and kindness, as always.


ethiopifinn said...

a)sending you love.
b) cole is so very lucky to have someone in his life who not only loves *him* as much as you do, but also loves his dad (can i get a hhc witness up in here!?), and can understand that his mom loves him too.
c) this must be one of the ways, as your great-uncle pete once said to my dear friend when she was sharing a loss with him, "love hurts."
d) our ideas about the parameters of family have changed over the years, you write so beautifully about your family.

MindiJo said...

Oh, Leanne. ((hugs)) You are fabulous. Cole and the rest of your boys (and Kelly- that is her name, right?!) are lucky to have you. Seriously.

I don't have anything to offer you to make you feel better, but you can always call me when you need a shoulder. Sending you love. Muah!!

And Ethiopifinnegan has wonderful words. I wish I had thought of them.

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you, I know you sadness. Remember he will know later in life the sacrifes you made and that they were done in his best interest. He knows you are a constant in his life weather you are in the same house or not, you will always be there for him. Hang in there and know that you are surrounded by love.

elizabeth said...

I can imagine the hardness of that. Sending you lots of love.

Ditto to Mindi's offer - you can always call me if you want to talk out your sadness. I have time and a willing ear.

Julie said...

Love and hugs to you, my friend. Prayers that you and your family are given strength and sweet memories during this transition. <3