Thursday, March 11, 2010


When Matthew was born, I was working full time.  He was born four weeks early, so I didn't have childcare finalized.  I held that baby in my arms, calling complete strangers to ask if they'd care for my brand-new (and very longed-for) child.  It was heartwrenching.  I explained to Cory that I really really wanted the first five years.  And that I'd settle for three.  I had heard somewhere that 70% of a child's character is developed in the first three years of their lives.

God bless Cory.  He trusted me, against his fears, and with the knowledge that he was going to have to work his ass off to make ends meet.  And things worked out.  For the past five years, Cory has been working at an incredible pace to support us.  I am also thankful for my career, which has allowed me to be there...developing the boys' characters.

Tonight, I took Matty to his kindergarten open house.  This afternoon, my Facebook status said:  "Leanne is going to register Matty for kindergarten this evening.  I will not cry."  Leslie, one of my neighbors mentioned that she was going to be doing registration, and would bring Kleenex.  And she wasn't kidding around.  When I walked in the door, she handed me the box.  She actually grabbed her own box and brought it with her.  Such is a good friend.

And I needed those Kleenex.  The whole night.  We sat in the orientation, and they played a slide show of the current kindergartners doing their thing.  Matty could not stop smiling.  He kept hugging me and kissing me and jumping up and down.  And I was reminded how important this time is for him.  And I was weepy.  In the dark, watching that slide show.

Then, in the last 15 minutes, one of the teachers read the kids a book called "The Night Before Kindergarten."  In it, the kids are very excited to go to school, but the parents are crying.  It was horrible.  I think I might have been the only parent that emotional, but I hardly held it together.

And here's why:

Those years I wanted?  I got them (Thank you, Jesus.).  And they're nearly over.  And I am overwhelmed with grief for the loss of them.  It's not that I'm unexcited about the future.  I can't wait to go through the next chapter of his life with him.  How much he still has to learn!  How amazing his mind is.  He's so smart and funny and sweet.  I love him so much. 

I'm just going to take a few minutes to miss his two's and his three's and his four's.  And then I'm going to keep on watching him grow up into the person God wants him to be, through his five's and his six's, and his seven's.


elizabeth said...

I would do the same thing. It is sad. One chapter is ending, even as another chapter begins. It is good to take the time to grieve the ending, even as you look forward to the beginning.

Lots of love.

Leanne said...

Thank you, sweet friend. I figure if I get all my emotion out of the way now, I'll have no problem getting him on the bus in the fall. Right? Hehe.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing mother. Along with Cory you will raise spectacular men. I know it.

Alisa said...

You've pretty much summed up my life in the last 5 years as well. I too have been "grieving" and having to "let go". It is so hard to see my 3 grow up so fast and know that we are done having babies :( It truly has been the best years of my life and maybe I just fear losing that? Alisa

Trista said...

Oh Leanne, that made me teary. It really is a blessing to be home with them those first years. As hard as it might be sometimes.
It's hard to let go when you are used to being with them all day long. I kept Eiley's schedule on the fridge the first few months and would often look at what she is doing at that big school without me. It's amazing what independent little people they become in kindergarten.
It's a very bittersweet transition. You have done a wonderful job so far Leanne:)

Julie said...

(sniffles) :')

It is amazing how fast the time flies. I too, feel so blessed to have been able to spend Ethan's pre-K years at home with him as not everyone is able to. It will be bittersweet when he starts school.

I admire you so much and it's been a joy to be able to read about the day-to-day life at your household and see all the moments you've captured in photos. Thank you for sharing all of it and this beautiful post. Prayers that you're given extra strength during the transition. Love you!